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Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair Season 1 Episode 5: Nine Franks are Better Than One

The morning after Jenny and her naughty bits were sent packing, several of the girls in the Maresca house contemplate who has been hiding secrets. Felicia tries to quiz Kerry as to who it was that Cathy may have mentioned dating before, possibly someone famous. 

Obviously, Felicia didn’t get the memo that Cathy and Kerry are besties and Kerry ran directly to Chatty Cathy with the news that Felicia has been questioning her past dating history and warning her to be careful.  Cathy and Kerry then decide that they will attempt to bring Felicia down next.

Following that teensie bit of drama, that brings us to this week’s challenge.  Frank’s parents said that when Frank was a rambunctious kid, they had their hands full.  Suddenly, nine mini-Frankie Juniors bum rush the house.  It’s the responsibility of the remaining nine girls to make sure that the kids don’t get hurt, make sure they eat, and that the house doesn’t get destroyed.  Nine Frankie Juniors equals roughly one child for each of the  girls and Mama Maresca believes it should be a piece of cake.  After all, she worked full-time and cared for five kids.  Supposedly, this challenge is designed to see how good of a potential “mother” these girls will be to Frank’s potential kids, should he end up marrying and procreating with one of the remaining ladies.  (Talk about jumping the gun.)

In the on-camera interviews, Annie talks about how she really likes kids… However, after dealing with this bunch of boys, she’ll want to tie her own tubes after the Frank Juniors instantly begin jumping up and down on the couch and running amok in the house.

Adding to the fracas and against explicit instructions to not give the boys desert (and a sugar rush they don’t need), Renee goes and gives the boys ice cream so that they would all say “Yay! Renee’s the best baby sitter!”  Perhaps she should have shown them her collection of love notes she wrote to Frank to scare the crap out of the boys. 

Kerry tries to deach the boys how to dance with a lady and deals with the squadron of Frank Juniors’ answer to Problem Child, Will.  While Kerry doesn’t have too horrible of a time with Will, Christi, on the other hand elaborates that images of demonic, bed-sheet tearing, mess-making Will will flash before his eyes when she dies. 

Personally, I thought Will was hilarious, especially when several of the girls kept threatening to put him in “Time Out.”  When Christi tried the “Time Out” schpiel on Will, he shot back with the line of the night:   “There are no timeouts in this house right now, lady.”

The only one who was able to effectively and calmly deal with Will was Melody, who has been previously relegated to the background as one of the nice, normal, non-bitchy girls.  After taking him aside and telling him the value of being respectful, Will is all “please” and “thank you” — even around the ice cream.

The Marescas come home as Annie is attempting to clean up some of the mess.  Mama Maresca asseses the damage and sees that her antique loveseat (which, truthfully, looks like a futon version of Al Bundy’s couch), family pictures in frames are lying on the ground, and sheer havoc was wreaked on the lawn.  

As Mama and Papa Maresca berate the girls for not controlling the boys and having them tear up her house, Frank takes the kids downstairs to grill them as to who was the best mommy. The boys give him the lowdown that Kerry was really nice (and hot… One of the Frank Juniors expressed interest in wanting to ask her to the dance) and 21-year-old Christi yelled the most.

Demon Seed Will piped up that Melody was the only one who could control him, after asserting that he was the worst of the bunch.  Frank came upstairs to let the girls know the boys had helped him make his choice and Melody and Kids’ Choice Kerry won a family bowling date with Frank and his parents and the rest of the girls get to have dinner with Frank’s brother, Sal.

Bummed that she doesn’t have a date with him, Renee blathered to the other girls that Frank said “little things matter.” She takes this as inspiration to writ him yet another note, while hiding on the floor of her closet, scrawling it on a piece of notebook paper.  She slides it under the door to Frank’s room and scurries away.

Intrigued as to what comedy the note contains, Felicia decides to head to the kitchen and put some tape on the knife to slide it under the door and retrieve Renee’s letter.  While doing this, she almost gets busted by Frank and comes up empty handed.  

On Date Night, Frank requests that his parents go with him because he respects their opinion on the girls.  However, Mama and Papa Maresca admit to the camera that they think it’s because he wants them to pay.  

While Frank has been more Frank and less “entertaining” as “The Entertainer” this season, he heads back to his roots and starts to “entertain” his parents and the girls by throwing the bowling ball like a maniac, hurling it down the lane, between his legs, and doing crazy dances.  Mama Maresca suggests for him to “Have it come out of your ass. It’ll be even better.” 

On the bowling alley date, Frank slips away with Kerry to the Snack Bar for some one-on-one time with Kerry.  They have some decent chemistry together.  As does Melody who has a cute “getting-to-know-you date” with Frank. She tells him how much she loves his family (and sounds sincere about it!) and the two take several cute, semi-funny pictures together in the photo booth. 

Back at the house, the rest of the girls are having a cookout dinner with Frank’s brother, Sal, a 26-year-old single, Master’s Degree candidate.  The girls note that Minnesota Melissa is kind of flirty with Sal.  The girls and Sal drink to a great BBQ and  “mother’s awesome hairdo.”

When Sal’s got the girls lulled into a sort of comfort zone, he grills the girls as to their worst breakup stories.  Felicia tells him about the French dude who told her that he loved her… but was “just having sex” with other women.  Other girls had similarly philanderous exes, with the exception of Christi who claimed to be still close friends with her ex-boyfriend. But fear not, because she just stopped hooking up with him as late as March, but they were more like “brother and sister.”  Sure, if that brother and sister were featured in the movie “Taboo.”  Riiight.

When Frank, his parents, Melody and Kerry return, Felicia decides to spring herself on Frank and get some face time with him.  Cathy interrupts them, telling Frank that she needs to talk to him.  In private, Cathy tells him that Felicia was asking about the person she may have dated.  Having reassured him that she’s “just there for Frank,” Chatty Cathy stops talking long enough to engage him in a solid round of tonsil hockey.

Meanwhile, little brother Sal further threw Felicia under the bus, mentioning how during the BBQ dinner, she talked a lot about her MBA and her dreams of being a CFO of a Fortune 500 company and that nowhere in these CFO dreams were any mention of a future with Frank. Frank takes Felicia to his basement and grills her about this and she gets teary-eyed, telling him that she does envision a future with him, but wants her kids to have all of the things she never did, and a powerful position in the business world would help guarantee that. 

Felicia’s not the only one in the hot seat, though.  Sal tells Frank that Christi is still super friends with her ex boyfriend.  Having been 21 only five years ago, Sal tells Frank that he knows that she probably still hooks up with her ex, which is what most 21 year olds who are still pals with their ex do. Christi makes with the water works when Frank asks her about it, but then calmly tells him he’s more than welcome to give him a call and ask him for herself to let him know everything is kosher.  Frank calls Christi’s ex and asks them about her relationship and Christi’s ex conversationally tells him that they still bang.  Frank walks out of the room and Christi asks her ex what he said.  As he tells her he (lied) that they still bump uglies, Christi breaks down in tears and tells her ex that she will never talk to him again.  

At eliminations, Kerry gets the first key of the evening and Melody, formerly a dark horse in the competition, gets the second.  Cathy, who Frank says he missed haring talk, gets the third.  At eliminations, I’m honestly surprised Mama Maresca didn’t say anything  about Cathy looking whore-riffic with a skin-tight dress that resmbles more of a bikini with cutouts and a skirt. Really… It was that slut-tastic. Annie gets the next key and Frank says she’s very special to him.

Felicia and Christi are in the bottom two.  Before he makes his decision, Frank once again Christi about her ex.  She tells him that her ex had lied and if she had been lying, there would have been no way she would have given him the phone.  Frank’s parents believe Christi is telling the truth, but later admit that at 21, she’s just a little too young for Frank and wasn’t too good with kids.  At the end of eliminations, Frank gives Felicia the key and wants her to think about incorporating him into her “five-year-plan.”

Topics: A Basement Affair, Frank the Entertainer in A Basement Affair, VH1 | Comments Off on Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair Season 1 Episode 5: Nine Franks are Better Than One

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