Week Two of A Basement Affair finds the girls attempting to connect with Frank through his own version of “Seven Minutes in Heaven,” which is actually two minutes in his basement. The girls face the challenge of showing Frank what makes them unique and their special talents. He gives them an opportunity to prepare themselves before calling them down individually. In a reality dating show act almost as classy as Flavor Flav’s candelight KFC dinner dates, Frank sets the timer on his microwave to buzz at two minutes to signify the girls’ time as up.
First up, Melanie shows Frank her art skills by drawing a temporary tattoo transfer of Frank’s mother and comes up with an epic fail in attempting to adhere it to her arm. Not impressed, Frank fixes her drawing of Mama Maresca to his dart board and chucking a few darts at it.
Kerry proves herself to be sweet and smoochable, tempting Frank with homemade cupcakes, which go over big with The Entertainer.
While cupcakes might not seem like a talent, it’s still infinitely better than Christi demonstrating her hula hoop skills, blonde Asian Tammy’s manicure that makes Frank wince, and law student Dana’s Lisa Frank reject collage that summons Frank to her “Court of Love.”
That brings us to Chatty Cathy, who shows up late to the basement since she’s busy gargling. Frank sets the microwave promptly and Cathy’s only has one minute and 21 seconds to make balloon animals. Yes. Balloon animals.
Almost as bizarre, Little Awkward Artist Annie and her trash sculpture is up next. While combing through the Maresca’s garbage, she confesses to the camera that she likes trash (which speaks volumes about why she’s on the show) and wonders if Frank can appreciate trash the way she does. Her “art” is supposed to symbolize that Annie can make something out of nothing. (If this trend towards the bizarre and making something out of nothing continues, I’m pulling for Annie to put on a sock puppet rock opera performance to Air Supply’s “Makin’ Love Out of Nothing At All.” A girl can dream.)
Serial Relationship Artist Renee is up next, having written and illustrated her own fairy tale for Frank, telling his story from being a contestant on I Love New York to wookin’ pa nub in his parent’s basement. She also takes the time to interject into her fable that some girls are there to further their modeling careers, but Princess Renee is really there for love. Some of the girls in the house (specifically Kerry, Cathy, and Felicia) take offense to Renee’s story and feel like she’s trying to smack talk them. As loopy as I think Renee may be, I don’t think her comments were directed at anyone in particular, except for model Stephanie who was booted last week.) Frank, in turn, loves Renee’s story, even though my inner Grammar Nazi caught that she misspelled “secret” as “secrete.” How Freudian.
Super-hot Jenny doesn’t have much of a talent, so instead, reads to Frank about their astrological compatability. Dippy Jessica dances, and for as much of an airhead as she is, Jess is actually quite coordinated and a pretty good dancer. Melissa earns herself the nickname “The Crusher” by showing off the skills she uses as a bartender, crushing beer cans between her boobs.
Things get interesteing when Mandy shows off her bartending skillz and whips up her signature martini for Frank in his basement. Mama Maresca takes this time to come down to the basement to ask Frank if he has any laundry that needs to be done. Oooh! Mama for the block! Mandy and Frank both mention that it’s funny how Mama ddn’t bust in on anyone else’s alone time with Frank and this only further escalates the tension between Fran-dy Mandy and Mama.
From the bad to the good, gorgeous Felicia keeps it real and tells him a story about how last year, she had a cancerous lump resulting in half of her left breast being removed and reconstructed. Frank appreciates her realness and moves in for a kiss and she and Frank tongue wrestle. In turn, she really appreciates his sense of honesty and seems to really like Frank.
After Frank’s had some time to process the “Seven Minutes In Heaven,” he makes his choices for the three girls who will accompany him on a four-way date: Felicia, Renee, and Kerry.
Before they go on a date, Chatty Cathy trash-talks Renee and The Crusher gives Renee a heads up. Renee isn’t too popular, either with Felicia and Kerry who are fine sharing their date on the Brooklyn Bridge with Frank with one another, but don’t like the idea of Serial Relationship Renee being there.
Renee manages to wrest some singled out alone time with Frank after tearily confessing to him in front of the other girls that she “doesn’t need a man, but wants one.” She lays it on uber-thick, telling Frank that even though she’s only been out of her long-term, failed relationship for eight months, she feels alive around Frank. She also throws Chatty Cathy under the bus for trash-talking her.
Felicia and Kerry look on and commiserate about how much they don’t like Renee. They also see that her bra strap is showing… and they won’t tell her. It looks like Renee’s going to be the new scapegoat/object of hatred in the house since Mandy and her tramp stamp are outta the house. Yep. That’s right. Mandy gets ejected this episode.
During a wild night with Frank and all the girls in the jacuzzi, Mandy starts plying everyone with drinks. Cathy gets trashed and accidentally breaks something, which wakes up Frank’s parents. . Frank tries to hide a sauced Cathy from the folks and keep her noise level down.
As Chatty Cathy goes to the bathroom to heave a quart of vom (I wonder if she talked while vomiting?), Mama Maresca comes downstairs and notices that there’s vodka in one of her water bottles in the fridge. She throws a fit, fuming that Papa Maresca could have drank the vodka/water with his medication and gotten sick. Of course, she blames Mandy for it. Mandy fires back saying that she has a flask, so why the hell would she put vodka in the water bottle. The two exchange words in Italian, none of which are too friendly.
Frank’s parents call him into their room and Mama Maresca goes off on a tear about Mandy, saying that she thinks she’s a bad influence on the girls. She drops an ultimatum that Frank is free to pursue a relationship with Fran-dy Mandy if he really cares about her… But not under her roof.
Frank admits that he’s learned to pick and choose his battles with his mother and kowtows to her wishes. He calls Mandy down to the basement and asks her to leave. It’s pretty clear he feels bad about asking Mandy to leave and for that reason, wants to spare her the indignity of having to wait around to be eliminated later that night. He tells her she can say her goodbyes to the rest of the girls and head home that afternoon.
It was kind of a bummer since I don’t think Mandy was a bad chick. Sure, she lived at home with her folks, but I don’t think she was half the she-devil Mama Maresca painted her out to be.
Chatty Cathy admits to the camera she dodged a bullet because she feels that otherwise, it would have been her stinking drunk ass to have gone home.
Nevertheless, Frank still has to eliminate a girl that night. To help make his decision, he decides to chat more with Jessica. Chat would be the wrong word seeing as most of Jessica’s “conversation” is completely unintelligible.
Meanwhile, Kerry gives Cathy some advice and tells her that she talks way too much and talks over Frank. She needs to stop that and show him more of who she really is. She tells her to take Frank to the side and have a heart-to-heart and apologize to him for getting so sloppy drunk the night before.
Cathy attempts to apologize but lapses back into her verbal diarrhea and is instantly on the defensive. Frank tells her that he tried to be there for her yesterday, but alcohol is more important than him before stomping off angrily.
Before you know it, it’s elimination time. Frank gives Relationship Renee the first key since he feels he had a great connection with her. He also had a great time with Kerry, who gets the second key, and thinks is a lot of fun. Kerry is none too pleased Renee is there, but will deal.
The rest of the keys are handed out and it comes down to dippy Jessica and Chatty Cathy in the bottom two. Frank gives the key to Cathy even though their “Seven Minutes in Heaven” with balloon animals wasn’t very heavenly. He tells Jessica she’s sweet, but has a lot of growing up to do. (Coming from a guy who lives in his parents basement, that says a lot about Jessica’s maturity level.)
With Mandy gone, it’s only inevitable that Mama Maresca will find someone new to hate. The jury is still out as to who that may be, (I’m going to bet on Chatty Cathy. Somehow, I don’t see someone who will talk over Susan going over too big with her.) Regardless of who Mama will hate next, it seems like Renee is going to be the new “it-girl” for the rest of the girls to splash Hatorade on.
Comments are closed.